I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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