I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
