well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
