I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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