You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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