I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
