Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
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He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
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He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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