I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
