if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
