my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
