I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
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i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
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It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I have fence marks all over my body
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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