Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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