remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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