I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
