Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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