Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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