I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
