He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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