we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
