hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Dignity is for republicans.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
