It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
