I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We talked him into tasing himself.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
