hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
