I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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