1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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