I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube