My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
