He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
