Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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