i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
All the doctor said was why
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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