theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Randomize
