I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
