my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
