The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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