i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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