I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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