I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
