Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Randomize
