when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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