there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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