I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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