i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
