i was born a porn star she said
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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