i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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