Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
