i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
