Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Randomize
