he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
