I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
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He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
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wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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