Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
