I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
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I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
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Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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