I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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