Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
